Tips For Life.

\\Some people just suck at life.
Whether it be your hand-eye co-ordination is not worthy, your just plain not funny, or just that your IQ is that of a humble bumble bee.
Its just science...
BUT i can help you. Here is a list of useful everyday tips that ive got for you and your sucking life.

Dean Jacobs' Excellent (and thoroughly researched) Tips For Not
Sucking At Life.

1. Dont whistle when other people are whistling. It is infuriating to the original whistler. Wait your turn, and if u cant whistle good. DONT EVEN TRY.




2. Toast always landing Buttered side down?? Firstly stop being a klutz and dropping your food. But if you insist on dropping it, place your toast a little higher (ie place it on top of the fridge instead of the kitchen bench).
Why you ask? Physics!! The turning motion of the toast when falling from a height such as a kitchen bench is such that it will rotate half a turn, and onto the buttered side. BUT if you place it higher, then the motion will be one full rotation (approx) and then your toast will land sunny side up.




3. Im a (WAS a) bandit for this one. Spilling coffee when you come back from the tea room to your desk. Everytime i venture back with a tea or coffee, without fail i spill it...untill now.
What ive discovered is that if you move your coffee cup up and down in a smooth motion whilst walking...it cancels out the wobble in the coffee and stops it from spilling. its to do with Inertia, the up and down motion causes the liquid to exert inertia forces on the cup and hold the liquid in a more steady state than that of just holding it straight.




4. Brush your teeth. You know who you are. NO it is not okay to skip it 'just this once'. Your breath F**KING STINKS, it makes my eyes burn and my skin flake.
Stop it...Okay?



5. When eating, shut your mouth!
Its plain manners. People don't want to see what the inside of your mouth looks like when your pig-eating a burger. And DONT PIG-EAT. Every meal DOESN'T have to be eaten as fast as the speed of light. Slow down, its not a race.



6. And finally, my last tip for today.
Just dont be so dumb. Why the hell are you reading this non-sensical crap.
Dont listen to me, im not even a real person, im an alter-ego.

Goodbye (Hej Da)

Like...Ummmm....You know...

Language evoloution is a given. No longer is there "thee" and "thy" and all those other crap words used in Shakespearian times. But to a point, the English Language must remain fairly civil and refined.
the other day i heard a girl on the radio say the word "like" 23 times in a 3 minute talk...i counted them.
that just plain pissed me off!! You young lady are runing the image of the Australian youth!
there is no need to say Like all the time. not every sentence has to be a simile!!
i feel that this comes down to one main reason...
No one is definitive about what they are saying.
eg.
"like, we went to this park on the weekend. And there was all these, like, rocks everywhere. You shouldv'e seen them they were, like, huge!"

so...were they just balls of antimatter that looked as if they were rocks or were they actually rocks...
how hard is it, honestly!

now, im not the sexist kind, but i do feel that younger women and girls are most guilty of this.
so...whos to blame?
yoursleves for starters...its you saying it with your mouth. but i feel the influence of this came from none other than the Mighty USA.
with your shit slang and dumbing down of everything.
..on another point....Good work America, you fucked our economy, now we dont get a work christmas party...im pissed off!

lets just hope Obama can fix some of the things bush so terribly stuffed up

out.

Strange Happenings

Recently i have come to the conclusion, that odd things follow me round.
I don't mean that there are little creatures near me. I mean that weird things happen near me.
Mostly they are HILARIOUS. But others are more concerning.

Like last tuesday, i was driving home from work on an overpass bridge and i look to the highway below and i see an old man (possibly insane) on a old person scooter in the middle of the highway waving his arms wildly in the air and obviously screaming at the traffic...on second thought, i strongly belive he was insane.





OK, so that was just a strange coincedence. BUT this happend to me yesterday. I was in a friends car in the front passenger seat and i was just looking around the car and i thought hmmm i wonder whats in his glove-compartment... then BAM the freakin' thing just gently opened and i found out what was in there... some jelly-beans and paper, hes a diabetic so the jelly beans were hands off unfortunately. Man i wouldv'e loved one. Or two.



Next on the list, is the oddity knows as Plate Stalkers. This is when you constantly see the same three letters of a number plate on many a car. For me, its the letters "YRC" i do believe that there is some conspiracy of ppl who own a YRC number-plate and they purposely follow me.
This is not a new thing to me either, ive been noticing this for a couple of years. I think the acronym has a deeper meaning....YRC, the first letter stands for YOUR'E and the next two are my alter-ego's initials. Coincidence......................perhaps.




At one-stage i thought i was turning into a cat, but thats a different barrell of monkeys.

Irelevant / Unnecessary items of clothing.

Recently, during my world wide web exploration, i have noticed an uprise of the use if irrelevent items of clothing. Main offenders in the Human World: the JAPANESE!

Example one:



that girl has way to many badges and hair clips goin on right there. the girl on the right has a fringe so low that she has to tilt her head to see her friend.


EXAMPLE TWO:



Are they fkn serious? That many necklaces will give you a hunch back bigger than Quazimodo!

Here is a close up of that...just for those of you out there who wanna see more!



No seriously... wtf was she thinking...

"mum can you buy me another 654 cute hair clips i wanna stick 'em to my face, thatll look cool!!"

and finally...

EXAMPLE THREE:

(not so much to do with clothing, but i thought id throw it in there anyway.)




Bitch, you are an idiot. Nothing further.




So, now that ive given you a little insight into stupid/irrelevant/unnessesary clothing, i thought id get to my main topic of conversation.

Cartoon/childrens characters that wear jackets/ties/vests etc, but,with no pants.

what kind of message are they sending to the kids..?

**Run around in the park nude, its fun, but remember, dress sensibly, WEAR A TIE!**

This is a wide spread epidemic that caused me much grief in my early years. Don't remember?
here, ill list them for you.

#8.
Tony, the Tiger ( Frosties Cereal)



Looks awfully like a member of the visious "Bloods" Gang, does he not? Snoop, quick cap his ass!

#7
Yogi Bear and Boo Boo



Yes it might be a nice day for a pic-a-nic, but not for pants, bad day for pants.
Plus..they steal. THOU SHALL NOT STEAL.
Get yo-self in line bear, before i make Jesus smite your ass.

#6
Snagglepuss



I know he's not as well known, but again, a major offender of the pants rule. Does anyone actually remember where Snaggle puss is from?
P.S. What are those cuffs hanging on to...his skin? That'd probably hurt.


#5
Porky Pig



This favourite Warner Bros. character agian wore no pants. But the worst part is, we were made to laugh at his st-st-st-stutter. Speach imp-p-p-pediments aren-n-n-n-n-n-'t funny kids, they are a disorder.

#4
Donkey Kong



This bad ass primate rampages through the jungle and battles foes all whilst only wearing a tie.
...Impressive!


#3
Donald Duck



There is an urban legend about Donald Duck being banned in Finland because he does not wear pants.
The legend is probably based on the few angry letters that the Finnish Donald Duck magazine received decades ago on the subject, and responded by publishing a picture of a ridiculous-looking duck with pants, which largely killed the issue.
Many Finns find this legend amusing, in that the nudity taboo is far weaker in Finland than it ever has been in America, and there have been several comics in the country's national newspaper which have on occasion showed naked characters with visible but non-pronounced genitals, leading to no reprecussions.


#2
Sonic the Hedgehog



This is a different one, because in the game, all the female characters wear clothes, yet the males wear usually only shoes and gloves.
Can somone say Workplace Inequality?

And finally, the most outrageous of them all..

#1
Humphrey B-Bear



Look at him there, striking a pose.
Its an abomination and it needs to be stopped.

In fact In 1959, there was actually a group called the Society for Indecency to Naked Animals or SINA, a hoax perpetrated by comedian Alan Abel until 1962.
Buck Henry played its president, G. Clifford Prout, while Abel played the vice president, and its goal was to clothe all animals. One of its mottos was "A nude horse is a rude horse. Apparently, lots of people fell for it and tried to donate money for the cause. True Story!

Thats all for today.
Aloha

Theatre of the mind

For some reason i feel as though im different to the average joe.

( i don't mean that i am an emo and i like to say "oh im so non-conforming, look at me in my make-up")
i have a inner burn to create things, draw on things and play out scenes in my head.
theatre of the mind has long been thought of as an artery in the heart of insanity.
But i beg to differ.
the mind is a wonderous thing that no-one fully understands, why not use it to the best of our ability? act out scences with a co-worker in yout head, see how things go.

scene one:
- set at the lunch room with David (the morbidly obese conspirisy theorist) and myself.

David: hey, how was the weekend

ME: oh, not to bad
- i reach for a stick of sugar to put in my shithouse coffee -

David: i wouldn't use that suff mate, i saw the coffee guy come in here this morning and spit on his hands and then rub it in there!

ME - looking shocked -
ME:........No you didnt, i just saw you come in the building, why are u always making shit up? I bet all you do is sit at your desk and think of ways to piss me off.

David: Your not the only one who has feelings! why doesnt anyone believe me? IM JUST TRYING TO HELP A FELLOW EMPLOYEE OUT!

**this is where you can choose your own adventure, do you:

(a) shake your head and walk away
(b) pretend to be asleep and hope he walks away
(c) spit in his coffee and say you have acid spit
or (d) throw your boiling coffee in his face and watch him crumble like the cake in his hands.
** i personally chose (d)**

-i throw my coffee-

ME: piss off you big fat man!
David - in a blubbery mess on the floor clutching his eyes.
David: AHHHHHHHHHHHH WHYYY WHHYYYY!!
ME: Help!! this man has spilt boiling coffee on himself, he really should be more careful, but ill run and get help anyway
- i do not return -

FIN

See, how much fun was that!!
that is just one of the many combinations of events that can be played out in your head. try it!
go throw your coffee and that snooty bitch from accounts who thinks she runs this place!


This is what happens when you take it out of the mind and into the real world.
Please do not try this.




DISCLAIMER: not responsible for readers acting upon my suggestions in real life. stay on the brain freinds!